Here’s a constantly-updated list of my favourite all-time quotes. Be forewarned that the majority of them are rated R, so if you are politically correct, not a cynic, or under the age of 18, whatever you do, don’t read them. Bugger off and go play in traffic somewhere.
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“What’s the matter, beautiful? You look meaner than a dog shittin’ tacks.”
- Pop from the movie Grumpier Old Men
“I’ve never seen a man get picked up by his testicles before. You’re lucky that policeman came around when he did, otherwise you’d be lifting up your schnuts to tie your shoes!”
- Del Griffith from the movie Planes, Trains and Automobiles
“I prefer not knowing (if I have a degenerative illness), so I can do things without fear. Jumping from airplanes, pushing as hard as I can to achieve my goals.”
“Yea, and knowing would really prevent you.”
- 13 & House from the show House, M.D.
“Let me be as weird as I fucking like, it’s my fucking life.”
- Eddie Vedder
“He who forgets, will be destined to remember.”
- The song Nothingman by the band Pearl Jam
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
- Unknown origin
“Whats’a matter, Harry? Did some little Philly break your heart?”
“Naw, it was a girl.”
- Lloyd and Harry from the movie Dumb & Dumber
“That government is best which governs least.”
- Henry David Thoreau from his essay On Civil Disobedience
“If people want to do something, it’s because they want to do it. If people don’t want to do something, it’s because they don’t want to do it. It’s as simple as that. Excuses are nothing but window dressing.”
- Unknown origin
“I thought we were gonna be together forever, but then, right out of the blue, she sends me a John Deere letter.”
“Did she give you any reason?”
“Yea, I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her enough or something, I dunno, I wasn’t really paying attention.”
- Lloyd and Harry from the movie Dumb & Dumber
“A lot of our imports come from other countries.”
- George W. Bush Jr
“There’s too much going on, but not enough happening.”
- Colin McFud
“Elaine, you look scrumptious.”
- Creepy dude speaking to Elaine, from the show Seinfeld
“Let me close this conversation by saying you are one unique individual.”
“What is ‘unique’, Latin for ‘asshole‘?”
- Neil Page and Del Griffith from the movie Planes, Trains and Automobiles
“Plants and flowers are living organisms, and they respond to sound and touch just as any other creature would.”
“I have a cactus in my bathroom, but we have nothing to say to each other.”
- Ariel and Max from the movie Grumpier Old Men
“Corky, how do you work the CD player in the truck?”
“Matt, I can’t.”
*Pulls out CD tray*
“Corky, what the hell is this thing?”
“Matt. No. I can’t.”
“Corky, I need your help with this!”
“Matt. Buddy. I just can’t.”
- A fragment from a fantastic evening up north in 2009.
“Let me tell you something, Johnny. The first ninety years, they go by pretty fast. And then one day you wake up and realize that, you’re not 81 anymore, and pretty soon, you’ll be gone. And all you’ve got are the experiences, that’s all there is, Johnny! The experiences. *long pause* You mount the woman, son.”
- Pop and John from the movie Grumpy Old Men
“Uhh, I dunno. What do you think I should do?”
- Any engineer
“But at a quarter to ten, I saw the strain creep in. He seems distracted and I know just what is going to happen next. Before his first step, he’s off again.”
- The song Off He Goes by the band Pearl Jam
“Serenity now! Serenity now!”
- Frank Costanza from the show Seinfeld
“There are many women floating in the river, but you’re the only one I want to stick up and mount on the wall, over the fireplace.”
- Max speaking to Maria, from the movie Grumpier Old Men
“Where? WHERE? Where are we gonna go?”
“I’ll tell you where, Harry. Some place warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful woman instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano! I’m talking about a little place called *whispers* Aspen.”
“Oh, I don’t know Lloyd, the French are assholes…”
- Lloyd and Harry from the movie Dumb & Dumber
“Never give your trust away. You’ll end up paying ’till your dying day.”
- The song Killing Yourself To Live by the band Black Sabbath
“And after this, there’s just the circus.”
- The song Running For Home by the musician Matthew Good
“You had sex, IN OUR BED?”
“You’re here for one week, and in that time, you turn our house into… into Bourbon Street?”
“I can’t sleep in our bed! I can’t! I CAN’T!” *throws arms up in air*
“If you want to live here, you will respect the rules of our house. YOU’RE GROUNDED!”
- Frank and Estelle Costanza speaking to George, from the show Seinfeld
“Poor little Pinkus. Poor little Pinkus…”
- Kramer, from the show Seinfeld
“Lord, please give me the patience to listen to other people’s opinions, WRONG though they might be.”
- The rationalists’ mantra
“We’re gonna adopt a little black boy, and we’re gonna name him Anaconda. Or Andy for short. Or Andy Conda! He’ll have a seven-footer, too. Round.”
- Corky making fun of my little brah, Andrew, who at last count possesses 72 different nicknames, now including Andy and Conda.
“Andrew, do you remember blowing Bubbles as a kid?”
“Of course, Uncle Duane.”
“Well, he said to say hello.”
- My uncle speaking to my brah one night up north back in 2004
“Sir, you can’t go in there!”
“It’s okay! I’M A LIMO DRIVER!”
- Lloyd speaking at the airport, from the movie Dumb & Dumber
“He who expects nothing will never be disappointed.”
- From the song Ishmael & Maggie by the band The Trews
